Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
