That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
