he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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