I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am