you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
