If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize