Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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