Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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