Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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