yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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