when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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