Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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