My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
