Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
