Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
