I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
