can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i now understand why vodka
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
