I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
