if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
