I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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