i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
