sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
