I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
