His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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