I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
