I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
