Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
