tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
