Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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