Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
