Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
