We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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