remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
