Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
