he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
