So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
