You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
