if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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