the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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