the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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