Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
