I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
