I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My vagina just clenched in fear
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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