Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
