Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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