Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
