why do cheetos always look like penises
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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