My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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