If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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