If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
