I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
