Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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