sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Houston, we have a blender
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
