I didn't shave. On purpose
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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