her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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