I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
